Burninators vs. The Rest of the Schedule
ELM CREEK PLAYFIELD, Plymouth, MN is not even worth writing about. The 14th we were forced to forfeit. The 21st was technically a forfeit - but we played anyway.
We lost.
Bad.
Here's to hoping next year ends on a more positive note.
Burninators vs. Team Rendevous
ELM CREEK PLAYFIELD, Plymouth, MN “Daddy, tell us about that time when you were on a kickball team!” “Yes, please, Dad, pleeeeeeeease??”
“Oh, all right. It all starts back in 2006, when your mother and I were looking for something to do on Sunday nights, and we had some friends—you know Uncle Andy and Aunt Lisa? They were both on that team with us…”
“What was the name again Daddy? Wasn’t it something like Burning Taters or Urinators or something like that?”
“Get it right, Mikayylah. The name was The Burninators, and we were the most fearsome team ever assembled for the PRSNKL. We were a team with hearts of steel and guts of pure iron. Our legs were just bigger than everyone else that played, due to God’s favor resting on our side. Time was that it wasn’t a felony to kick a ball straight through someone’s stomach, as our coach Joe “Larcenous” Larson did on more than one occasion. Our outfielders’ hands were actually made of Velcro, and they never dropped a ball that was kicked in their direction.
However, there weren’t many balls kicked in our direction, because our rotation of pitchers possessed arms that were outlawed in 48 of the 50 states and gave Charlton Heston nightmares. Once they had seen our pitcher warming up—whether it was Uncle Andy, Aunt Lisa, your mom, or Becky “She should have known I was going to throw at her head” Larson, the other team usually just said, “Okay—that’s three outs!” and ran back on the field. As a result, we beat every team we ever played by at least 30 runs—that is, the teams that weren’t too scared to show up—we set a PRSNKL record by having an entire season of wins by forfeit because the other teams were too chicken—that was 2008, if I remember correctly.”
“Daddy—what about the other people on the team? What did they do?”
“Well, Oprah, there’s some people Daddy still can’t talk about because they’re the subject of lawsuits for the damage they inflicted in 2009—the year competitive kickball died… the year Josh and Purple Linds….oh, no, I’ve said too much…”
“ What about the night of October 7th, 2007, Daddy?”
“What’s that you say, Ephraim? October 7th? Ah, yes…I remember it well…our opponent was Team Rendevous—they stood no chance. Our new uniforms had just arrived a couple weeks back, and the State Legislature was already in the process of banning them, as they made our team, which was already the fastest team known, that much faster—Brian and his wife Andrea circled the bases twice before anyone on the other team had a chance to react to the balls they kicked. Just for fun, Amanda let her little boy Nolan kick for her, and even he was blessed—it cleared the outfield fence! It wouldn’t have mattered, anyway, as “Thank God they didn’t call me Loveseat” Couch Jon was ready to pound the kickball into oblivion with his formidable left foot—the one that the NSA denied ever creating…I think the final score was something like 82-7—and we spotted them the 7 points just to make it more sporti…”
“Daddy—we just got done talking to Mommy, and she told us you guys lost 8-1, to a team that hadn’t won more than one game all season!”
“Yeah! She said that the other team caught everything in sight, and that you didn’t even make it to first base, Daddy!”
“She also said that she had tried blocking that game from her memory, and she never wants us to bring it up again.”
“She said all that, huh?”
“Yeah!”
“Well, who are you going to believe—me or your mother?”
“Mommy!!!”
“You'’re probably better off that way, gang…”
Burninators vs. Westbranch Kickers
ELM CREEK PLAYFIELD, Plymouth, MN Coming off of the humiliating pounding that the Burninators received last week, not even the rain could put out the smoldering fire of determination that burned within. The conditions were less than ideal. Following a day of rain and overcast skies, the field was riddled with puddles and other water traps.
The Westbranch Kickers started the game with a few accurately placed kicks, and a lead off kicker that was deceivingly quick - and was standing on second base before the Burninators could even get the ball back to the infield. That would be all the Burninators would give up for the first few innings, as their defense buckled down and took on a formation that would have made the Kung Pow Kickers proud. Outfielders Jason Peterson and Josh Peterson made quick work of any ball that found its way into the outfield.
As the Burninators took their first "at bat" - they looked better than ever. Punishing kicks from Andrea, Brian, and Josh, as well as some very fancy footwork on the basepath by Josh gave the Burninators a 3-0 lead at the end of the first.
In the 4th inning the Westbranch Kickers chalked up their first run. After a few inning of exchanging runs and impressive defensive play, the 9th inning would prove to be a nail biter.
Going into the top of the 9th inning, the Burninators were up 9-6, however the Westbranch Kickers made it clear that they were a worthy opponent. The Westbranch Kickers mercilessly pounded base kicks and saw the score come to 9-8 with two outs and with the abnormally speedy lead off kicker finding his way safely onto the basepath. The Burninators knew that even a simple base kick would allow him to score and tie the game.
As Lisa stared down the final out from the mound, she wound up - released the pitch and the entire defense awaited in anticipation to make what they hoped would be the final play. As the ball was kicked, it was clear that Lisa saved her trickery for crunch time and rolled a knuckle ball that drew the game to a very anti-climactic close as the ball dribbled foul - resulting in the third out.
Krystal Lamoureux was named the game MVP for a first inning catch that she sacrificed her body (namely her entire face) to snag a pop fly and bring the first inning to a close and keep the opposition from scoring. Joe Larson blasted a noteworthy kick that completely rattled the opposing pitcher, said kick rocketed off the opposing pitchers chin and left him shell shocked while Joe made his way safely to first base.
The Burninators showed that they've matured into a formidable opponent, and moved into a tie for second place in league standings.
Burninators vs. Kung Pow Kickers
ELM CREEK PLAYFIELD, Plymouth, MN Once again, a Sunday afternoon found our friendly local Burninators out on the Elm Creek Playfields, with this week's opponent the deadly Kung Pow Kickers.
The previous year, the Burninators had given 110 percent, but their best efforts fell short. To anyone unfamiliar with the Plymouth Recreational Sunday Night Kickball League (PRSNKL - catchy, no?), the Kickers are one of the league's most experienced teams, and they always come to play.This afternoon was no different. Perhaps the situation would be best explained by a chart.
PROS FOR THE KUNG POW KICKERS:
- They're good.
- The kickball is routinely made their beyotch.
- They bring 55 people to each game, ensuring fresh legs for any situation.
- They have suction cups secretly attached to their hands, so they never drop a pop fly.
- They stack fielders 5 deep in the outfield, and fan out as soon as the ball's kicked, only to return to formation once the ball's caught.
- Three words: Horse steroids.
PROS FOR THE BURININATORS:
So before the game even started, the Burninators were up against it. Oh, and they could only have 8 people on the field at once. The result was a score that this writer has already forgotten. They were 15-runned, 10-runned, runandgunned, and flat out stunned. Each individual Burninator left their heart on the field today. Coach Joe remarked after the game that the team just needs to "take it one game at a time" and "put this game behind us."
The Burninators look forward to putting another number in the Win column next week against the Westbranch Kickers!
P.S. If you'd like to know how many runs the Burninators scored, take the number of tired sports clichés that occur in this recap, and divide by three. If you'd like to know how many runs the Kung Pow Kickers scored, think of the biggest number you can, then multiply it by two. Then multiply it again by how old you are. Then you're close.
P.P.S. In a not-so-stunning coincidence, MS Word's spellchecker suggested "Urinating" as a replacement for "Burninating."
Burninators vs. Sand In Our Pockets
ELM CREEK PLAYFIELD, Plymouth, MN Coming off their success in the first week of the season, it would be perfectly acceptable for the Burninators to rest on their collective laurels. Fortunately for their laurels, the Burninators had no such ideas as they prepared to meet Sand in our Pockets on the kickball field. As the game would show, the Burninators, grizzled veterans that they were, had more than a few tricks up their soon-to-be-three-quartered sleeves.
The game started out benignly enough, with little offense to speak of in the first two innings. It looked to be a duel of top pitching and defense, with Andy "Texas Ranger" Davis providing a little of both for the hometown fans. The teams traded runs until the third inning, when all h-e-doublehockeysticks broke loose on the basepaths for the Burninators. By the time the dust had settled, the score was 6 to 2, giving the Burninators a lead they wouldn't relinquish.
One of the many bright spots was the play of the newcomer Mark "I Don't Have a Nickname Yet and the Writer of this Article Doesn't Know His Last Name and Feels Terrible For It." Sporting left-footed cannon blasts that made David Beckham wish he could bend it like Mark, he kept rallies going on numerous occasions, and provided stellar defensive support no matter where he played.
Come to think of it, this was the most well-rounded effort the Burninators have ever shown, with timely kicking, bend but don't break defense, and the presence of Kona Peterson to throw the other team off at the best possible moments with a well-placed bark or freakout. Bill Belichick would have been proud.
Kudos also go out to anyone with the first name of Lindsey/ay, and/or the last name of Peterson, Johnson, Davis, Larson, or Lamoureux, with a final special shout out to Couch Jon the Bold, who repeatedly put his body on the line to snag mile-high pop flies. The team salutes you!
Next Week: Kung Pow Kickers
Burninators vs. Hammertoes
ELM CREEK PLAYFIELD, Plymouth, MN The long awaited return of the Burninators kickball season is finally here. With quick feet and great defense, the Burninators kicked the Hammertoes back to the tool shed in an exciting season opener.
With the loss of big kicker Adam Dill to the Canadians, the Burninators had to find offense other places. With a few new players, the Burninators managed to outscore the Hammertoes 3-2 in what was a bigger blow out than the score indicates. With six more weeks of grueling match-ups, the Burninators will have to take it one week at a time and be careful not to overlook the likes of Sand in Our Pockets, or the much anticipated game against the Kung Pow Kickers.